One of the reasons I decided to sit down and write is for healing. Each time I log in here is basically a big old therapy session for my soul. So I've got my box of tissues, let's do this...Since ending our adoption journey I have felt like I have lost part of my identity in God's kingdom. For so long I saw myself as an adoptive mom willing to step out of my comfort zone and do something that scared the pants off of me all to bring God glory. I believe he specifially asked this of me, I want nothing more than to honor him. When my hopes of becoming an adoptive mama ended, part of my purpose in this world became hazy. Along with adoption coming to a halt my relationship with the organization I visit in Haiti has been experiencing growing pains as well. From the first trip I took, I knew my place, I had a purpose, I was needed there. Now, I'm not quite as sure. All of this happening at once has been hard for me. I know that God doesn't place the same kind of value on these things as I do, but still I long for a bigger purpose, not for me but for him. Where does he want me to focus? Why has he given me a passion but no clear direction? I worry I will not find my place back, wherever that might be. I do not feel pulled to begin another adoption process, I feel like he has taken that desire away from my heart but will I ever not be angry or jealous when I see another family successfully bring their adoptive child home? I feel lead to see things through with my Haiti friends but also jealous when I see others post on Facebook about their time spent elsewhere in Haiti, I wonder if things would be clearer with a different organization? Don't get me wrong, I don't spend my days coveting others and jealousy does not consume me but not knowing my place makes my mind work overtime to understand where God wants my gifts to be used. Back in February I went to a ladies conference called the IF:Gathering. IF: God is real, then what? IF: God is real, am I truly living for him? We were all encouraged at the end of the conference to write down our "IF" statement. Mine was this...IF: He has assigned you, he will find you. The speaker that spoke those words that weekend must have known I needed to hear them. I have spent more hours worrying about missing God's will for me than my infinite God would ever ask me to. I have to rest in the place of knowing that if it's his will for me, he will be sure to let me know. I just hope that day comes soon along with the healing my mama heart needs. I pray this post finds you well. I pray you dare to live with a bigger purpose. I pray you are seeking ways for him to use you that scare you. I pray you find joy in the journey. Blessings friends.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
