When You've Lost Your Place...

Hello friends!  It's been a while since I've posted anything here on the old blog.  Some days I think about just deleting the web address and then other days I think maybe someone out there who needs something here might find comfort.  So for now we will keep things rolling until the spirit moves me to do other wise.  Things are well here in the Saeger home.  Our trip to Haiti in March was a success and being able to share something so special to me with Scott was a great experience.  We didn't have an agenda for the trip so we played each day by ear and actually had lots of time to socialize and relax.  One of the main reasons we went was to check in with the twins and their parents.  Their home is finished and they moved in the Saturday we were there!  The joy on their faces was a tribute to all those who played a part in helping finance the home with us.  They have a beautiful ocean view and water access in their back yard which in Haiti is a true blessing.  On the front of their home they have built what they call a depot, mama is hoping to be able to sell goods (beverages, snacks, gas) from the depot since they are on the main road on that part of the island.  The girls are continuing to grow well and we praise God for their health.

One of the reasons I decided to sit down and write is for healing.  Each time I log in here is basically a big old therapy session for my soul.  So I've got my box of tissues, let's do this...Since ending our adoption journey I have felt like I have lost part of my identity in God's kingdom.  For so long I saw myself as an adoptive mom willing to step out of my comfort zone and do something that scared the pants off of me all to bring God glory.  I believe he specifially asked this of me, I want nothing more than to honor him.  When my hopes of becoming an adoptive mama ended, part of my purpose in this world became hazy.  Along with adoption coming to a halt my relationship with the organization I visit in Haiti has been experiencing growing pains as well.  From the first trip I took, I knew my place, I had a purpose, I was needed there.  Now, I'm not quite as sure.  All of this happening at once has been hard for me.  I know that God doesn't place the same kind of value on these things as I do, but still I long for a bigger purpose, not for me but for him.  Where does he want me to focus?  Why has he given me a passion but no clear direction?  I worry I will not find my place back, wherever that might be.  I do not feel pulled to begin another adoption process, I feel like he has taken that desire away from my heart but will I ever not be angry or jealous when I see another family successfully bring their adoptive child home?  I feel lead to see things through with my Haiti friends but also jealous when I see others post on Facebook about their time spent elsewhere in Haiti, I wonder if things would be clearer with a different organization?  Don't get me wrong, I don't spend my days coveting others and jealousy does not consume me but not knowing my place makes my mind work overtime to understand where God wants my gifts to be used.  Back in February I went to a ladies conference called the IF:Gathering.  IF: God is real, then what?  IF: God is real, am I truly living for him?  We were all encouraged at the end of the conference to write down our "IF" statement.  Mine was this...IF: He has assigned you, he will find you.  The speaker that spoke those words that weekend must have known I needed to hear them.  I have spent more hours worrying about missing God's will for me than my infinite God would ever ask me to.  I have to rest in the place of knowing that if it's his will for me, he will be sure to let me know.  I just hope that day comes soon along with the healing my mama heart needs.  I pray this post finds you well.  I pray you dare to live with a bigger purpose.  I pray you are seeking ways for him to use you that scare you.  I pray you find joy in the journey.  Blessings friends.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

Endings and Beginnings

ENDINGS~  I'm not sure where to begin in writing this, I've been avoiding it actually.  We have again been faced with some difficult decisions in regards to our adoption process.  A good month or so ago our agency hosted a phone conference with all waiting families in the Ethiopia program.  They as an agency have been forced to make some very difficult decisions along with us in whether continuing to provide services in Ethiopia is in their best interest and if it is in accordance with God's will for them.  As I have said before there is a very ugly side to adoption that you don't know about until you are knee deep into the process and we are extremely frustrated by that truth.  Had we known, we may taken a different route.  There is frustration about finances, time, deceit, the list goes on.  When we began this we felt so certain this was exactly what God asked us to do.  He asked us to adopt.  He lead us to Ethiopia.  I am frustrated, wondering if we heard him wrong.  Why would he lead us to a dead end?  Confused, hurt, broken.  I am not sure unless you have walked this path, you will ever understand.  I don't have the words to explain it to you.  We have spent hours upon hours over the last few years praying, imagining, dreaming about, longing and waiting for "that day" when we as a family are complete.  How can you love someone you have never met so much?  How do you move forward without feeling like you aren't forgetting about or forsaking a child that was supposed to be yours?  As a mom my mother instincts have been in full force since day one, I pray the guilt of walking away does not haunt me.  What I came here to let you all know is that after much prayer, many tears, anxiety, and hours of late night talks Scott and I have decided to withdraw from the program.  Our adoption journey is over.  Our options after our phone conference with our agency were minimal and left us between a rock and a hard place.  More than likely within the next 6 months our agency will close their Ethiopia program all together.  Scott and I felt better about walking away on our terms than waiting for them to force us out.  There is no right or wrong here but there is some peace about being in control of what we can be in control of .  As much as we hurt and feel temporarily "lost" we have also grown and been blessed by this experience.  We have been shown a deep, God-driven kind of generosity, care, and love from many people that has blown us away.  Our faith has been strengthened.  We have learned what it means to truly trust.  This journey has had it's consequences, but it has also had it's victories.  Growing up my mom used to tell me that when God tests you he is helping you build character for heaven.  I remember several times in my life telling her I had enough character.  I guess the truth is God uses all things for his good and I will continue to grow "character" for him as long as he asks. 

Now for the BEGINNINGS part of this blog post!  I'm sure most of you by now are familiar with twin girls that came into my life just shy of 2 years ago.  Below is a picture of them the day we met. 

Cherlie & Cherline- February 2013

They were so tiny, like maybe 3-4 lbs.  They were a month old and mom brought them to the mission concerned that they weren't gaining weight.  Our relationship has grown since that day.  I have been back twice since then and each time they come to visit several times while I am there.  This past summer I found out that their landlord had kicked them out of their home after the father had fallen ill (I'm guessing they were unable to pay the rent, I'm not always comfortable knowing what to ask and if it's really my business to know all the details).  They have been living with the father's family whenever they are allowed to.  I'm told that the family's relationship is not the best so there are times when they have been homeless, literally.  It has been on my heart to give them a place to call home.  I have pondered and prayed over if this was a good decision, right/wrong.  I have thought about them sleeping in the mud knowing it's been raining for 3 days straight.  I have questioned if this will help them or if it will create even more of a dependence for her on me.  My prayer has been for God to make this VERY clear to me. My mind has been overwhelmed with adoption emotions and my trust in missions and charity is a little fragile.  Pam has been in Haiti communicating with the mom and letting me know updates as they come in.  Yesterday we received word that the father's family has given them land to build a house on (blessing #1 because land is not always easy to come by in Haiti) and that they have already started gathering rocks from the ravine for the foundation (blessing #2, considering they had no idea when they begin doing this that we were praying about building them a home!).  I think God has made it pretty clear this is where he wants our attention to be for now.  We are planning a trip to visit in March (assuming we can work all the details out) and we are beyond thrilled to go down and share in this process with this family.  I am not sure if we will let Pam give her the good news or if we will wait to tell her in person that they will have a permanent place to call home ourselves but we feel confident this is the right thing to do.

Esthela, Cherlie, Cherline & myself- August 2013

 

Esthela, Cherlie, Cherline & myself- August 2014



Below is a picture similar to what we expect to provide for them.  The house in this picture needs some finishing work (cementing the bricks, I'm guessing similar to a stucco kind of process) but gives you an idea of where we are headed. 

 

So if you are still reading, sorry this is long, lots to cover, we ask that you pray for us as we leap forward into new ventures!  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for taking this journey with us, we are beyond thankful.  God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.

 

Prayer Requests:

1.  For peace in walking away from Ethiopia, adoption, and All God's Children International. 

2.  For safety if God allows us to return to Haiti in March.

3.  For the finances to complete a home for Esthela, Cherlie, Cherline, and their father.

4.  For my sister and her husband as they anticipate the birth and loss of their baby girl in the coming weeks. 

 



Short & Sweet

Hello to those who continue to check-in on us from time to time!  Not much new to relay but I wanted to just do a quick update with what's up with our process.  Things are currently in a stable but slow pattern in regards to the Ethiopian adoption world.  There hasn't been any real progress but we haven't gone backward either so for now we are guardedly optimistic and hopeful we are headed in the right direction.  Our agency is looking into building a partnership with two additional facilities in Ethiopia but even if that does formulate it will not change things overnight by any means.  We have also at this time decided to let our home study expire.  This was a very difficult decision.  Financially it makes the most sense as the reality is we have no idea what/when/if we will ever complete our process.  Logistically this is a stresser due to the fact that if/when the time comes for us to accept a referral we will have to start the process over from the beginning.  For those of you who have completed a home study I know you understand what a headache this is!  Now that it has officially expired and the decision has been made I have peace with it but once again it was one of those things that I lost sleep over.  Mentally it made me feel like we were giving up, even like we failed and along with that the guilt of wondering if we made the wrong decision.  I hate guilt.  It's so hard for me to distinguish logical feelings from seeds of doubt I know the enemy wants to burden me with.  I'm starting to see adoption kind of like a marathon and God's my coach.  I've come to the realization that whether or not I cross this "finish-line" doesn't matter to him, maybe it wasn't even ever in his plan.  Maybe his goal all along was to test me enough to see if I'd be willing to even sign up for the race?  All I know is He's got this and I vow to be ready and willing when the time comes.  

A few prayer requests if you don't mind...

1.  For us and other waiting families who try to balance the knowns and unknowns into daily life.  

2.  For wisdom about what to keep updated and what to let expire within our remaining paperwork (Dossier). 

3.  For birthmom's that face decisions immeasurably harder than our own. 

Can We Have a Moment of Your Time?

Hello friends and family!  Writing today with a specific request, besides will you come help Rock Valley sandbag!?! We have received the following letter from our agency and would love to see the support for this come from all of you!  At this time, this is the most "hands-on" action we can do that could directly affect the possibility that some day, God willing, we will welcome another Saeger into our home.  There is alot of info surrounding this act-CHIFF-so I have included some links along with a video for those who may want more info, it's slightly overwhelming but please know that we appreciate any and all support you might be able to give!  If we are ever going to welcome Baby J into our home, it's going to take a village of people willing to step out in faith with us!  Oh how the angels will rejoice when that day comes!

You can watch the video by clicking this link...it's the easiest/quickest way for me to explain the possibilities getting this act passed could bring.
http://vimeo.com/99062464 



Below is the letter we received...

Hi Ethiopia families,
I am writing to you today with an urgent appeal.  The window for getting the Children in Families First Act (CHIFF) passed this year is quickly closing.  Congress will soon be in summer recess and the mid-term elections will ramp up upon their return (or sooner).  That leaves us a precious few weeks to make a final push to move CHIFF out of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and onto the floor for a vote – and to create a new future for the children and families we serve. 

Our government is doing some great work for children but needs to more and do it in a different way.  In a way that changes the status quo and says ‘family is important’.  Please go to http://childreninfamiliesfirst.org/chiff-faqs/.  If passed,  this bill would change the current outcomes that institutionalism, abandonment and neglect bring countless orphans worldwide.  This bill would utilize existing resources in our foreign aid budget to help create avenues for children to find families. First by strengthening their biological families and then looking at kinship, domestic and international adoption as viable options for children living outside of family care. Unfortunately, large NGO’s that have huge reach are actively working to ensure this bill never leaves the Senate. Their outcome based approach, while good work, fails to deal with the core issue that stems from children living outside of family care.

Due to the elections coming up in the fall, we are in need of a mass grass roots campaign to push this bill through the senate and onto the house floor before the end of August. 

The campaign is set to launch next Monday the 23rd  through Friday the 27th. The idea behind the campaign is to get all of us moving at the same time in the same direction. You can specifically help by doing the following:
1. Go to the CHIFF website and send campaign documents to your mailing list next Monday morning
2. Remind your constituents throughout the week to get involved
3. Post to multiple social media sites throughout the week
4. Contact personally 5-10 influential friends, family or partners this week and ask them to take part in this effort.
Together, I truly believe we can make the change needed for the children we serve.
God Bless,
Julieann Webb

Helpful links:
What is CHIFF?-  http://www.awaa.org/downloads/PR/WhatisCHIFF.pdf

How can you help? HERE IS WHERE  YOU CAN HELP!  http://www.awaa.org/downloads/PR/CHIFFActionPlan.pdf

CHIFF website-  http://childreninfamiliesfirst.org/

From the bottom of our heart we are so blessed to have you walking through these unknowns with us.  Tomorrow will be exactly 9 months since we became a waiting family!  

Scott, Christy, Ross, Katie & Kelsi

All Dressed Up With No Where To Go...

Greetings to those who continue to check in to see what's up with our family and the status in Ethiopia regarding adoptions.  I'm going to do my best to make a summary of countless hours spent on our part gathering information that's complicated and honestly has no real answers so bear with me...

Some of you may or may not be aware that recently there has been significant increase in the instability of the adoption atmosphere within Ethiopia due to corruption and unethical behavior that runs rampant by people abusing the process for financial gain both within Ethiopia and within countries in which children may be adopted into (including the US).  Just this week 4 individuals from a US agency were federally indicted (you can read more about that here) on charges of child trafficking, this is just an example of the seriousness of the behaviors of people we as "waiting" families are supposed to trust.  As you can image, all of this drama affects our status greatly.  Previously we mentioned that during the 6 months it took us to complete our paperwork our waiting times doubled from 2 years (approximately) to 3.5-4 years.  This week our case worker advised that we would be looking at closer to a 6 year wait, best case scenario, if international adoptions within Ethiopia would even continue to exist.  There is also a large possibility that within this "best case scenario" we would not be able to request an infant referral and would need to be open to an older child or a child with special needs.  In addition, while the entire country has not stopped adoption processes the southern region has, and the northern region is only dismissing children within the older and special need ranges.  All of this information (this is just the tip of the iceberg but I don't want to bore you) is hard to process for us.  Honestly we feel a little lost.  It's hard to understand why our agency is giving us these daunting numbers when I can read about other families (via their blogs) throughout the US who are using a separate agency and getting referrals within our parameters within 6 months of waiting.  Obviously I realize that some of these quick referrals have a bigger story to tell than what I can see and that some of them, more than likely, are being done unethically behind the scenes.  The worst part about this is that it leaves innocent families like our own who stepped out in faith intending to be Christ's hands and feet faced with a story that is lined with greed, corruption, and crime they had no intention to be a part of.  Without a doubt the last thing we as a family want is a child to come into our home that had a "first" family that dearly loves and wants them but it doesn't make the hurt in this mama's heart go away right now.   Our agency has refused to work with any secondary orphanages or systems that have any part of being involved in the corruption and thus the consequences of our recent predicament.

So now what....
This week we were given a list of ultimatums, if you will...

• Continue in AGCI Ethiopia program, understanding timelines are unknown and could continue to expand
• Transfer to another AGCI adoption program
• Participate in a simultaneous AGCI adoption
• Participate in a simultaneous adoption outside of AGCI
• Terminate AGCI adoption journey

After many questions, conversations, tears, and prayers we have concluded that due to different requirements our agency has (such as maintaining birth order in our family, specific country qualifications etc.) we really don't have any options besides continuing to ride this whole thing out and let God take the reigns.  Our concern is that we will keep pouring significant finances into a process that has no end.  We will not have to make many decisions for a good 6-9 months when our first paperwork updates need to be made and we are hoping that by then we might have some better news to work with.  For the most part I am relieved we are this far.  The last 6-8 weeks of trying to get a better understanding about the situation has been physically, emotionally and spiritually draining.  It's times like this I am thankful for a God who hears my prayers even when I'm not able to verbalize them.

Lastly, so we don't give you the wrong impression, we LOVE the people at our agency and are THANKFUL for their honesty with us.  We are thankful they have taken a stand that coincides with one we would take.  While we are heart-broken that Baby J may never come to live in our home, we refuse to allow our Western privilege to dominate over beautiful mamas born into different circumstances half a world away, there will be a better way for us to walk along side of them.  We do not regret the financial commitment we have made, regardless if there is nothing we can physically show you for it.  We have grown and will continue to grow because of this entire process and that is priceless...

Goodness & Light

A Christmas Greeting from our family to yours!  This has been a year full of blessings for us as a family.  I dare to even say it was a year of the extremes!  I think we have experienced immense joy & frustration, worry & relief, anger & excitement, loneliness & the feeling of being surrounded by multitudes of prayer warriors.  As a community of friends, family, and some of you even strangers, you have come along side us through each experience and I am so very grateful, humbled, and honored you are part of our life.  Where ever life may find you during this Christmas season, I pray in return for God's richest blessing for YOU as a new year begins!  He WILL bring us goodness & light....

 A giant "THANK YOU" to Jennifer V. Photography for these beautiful pictures!  She donated her time to us and we LOVE the way they turned out!  She makes it look so easy too!  It was a chilly, windy day but I'm pretty certain I was still sweating!  Pictures with 3 kids = 1 stressed mama!  Thank you Jennifer!!!

Checking in!

It's been a bit since we've checked in here so I thought I would give a little update.  There is not much to report (in some ways that's a good thing!) but lots of you  have been asking so I want to do my best to let you know what's up and what you can be in prayer for.  As of now we are just waiting!  It's something that according to our agency we need to get good at.  Unfortunately for me, I kinda of stink in the patience department.  When we began the process the average wait time was 26 months and by the time we submitted our final paperwork it was about 33 months.  The last email I got said 40-48 months.  I cannot tell you how disheartening being told these numbers is.  I know it's in ours and our adopted child's best interest for things to be done ethically and carefully but my heart breaks knowing there are so many children waiting for a forever home and so many families waiting and wanting on the other side of the process too.  In the adoption world we phrase this as being "stuck" and stuck is a challenging place to be.  It's here where I need to go back to my Creator and trust in his timing.  

There are things that part of me is mourning knowing that our wait time has nearly doubled.  My kids won't be as close in age as I had thought and we will be that much closer to the "over the hill' marker of our life by the time we are all under one roof,sigh.  These things sound kind of silly but when you were born as an American "type-A" that's just how your brain works!  For every negative, there is a positive too (I often feel fortunate that we have the opportunity to pray for Baby J's birth-family for years before our families become one!) and that is the direction we need to look!  

Prayer Requests:

1.  Patience, patience, patience.  

2.  Protection for a special set of birth-parents of which whom only God knows by name.  Prayers for health, warmth, safety and that they may know the truth of God's great big love for them.

3.  For the government processes (both on the Ethiopian and US side) to speed up while maintaining safe ethical adoptions.

4.  For other families who are waiting along with ours.  It's a juggling act to have your heart in two different parts of the world at the same time.