Endings and Beginnings

ENDINGS~  I'm not sure where to begin in writing this, I've been avoiding it actually.  We have again been faced with some difficult decisions in regards to our adoption process.  A good month or so ago our agency hosted a phone conference with all waiting families in the Ethiopia program.  They as an agency have been forced to make some very difficult decisions along with us in whether continuing to provide services in Ethiopia is in their best interest and if it is in accordance with God's will for them.  As I have said before there is a very ugly side to adoption that you don't know about until you are knee deep into the process and we are extremely frustrated by that truth.  Had we known, we may taken a different route.  There is frustration about finances, time, deceit, the list goes on.  When we began this we felt so certain this was exactly what God asked us to do.  He asked us to adopt.  He lead us to Ethiopia.  I am frustrated, wondering if we heard him wrong.  Why would he lead us to a dead end?  Confused, hurt, broken.  I am not sure unless you have walked this path, you will ever understand.  I don't have the words to explain it to you.  We have spent hours upon hours over the last few years praying, imagining, dreaming about, longing and waiting for "that day" when we as a family are complete.  How can you love someone you have never met so much?  How do you move forward without feeling like you aren't forgetting about or forsaking a child that was supposed to be yours?  As a mom my mother instincts have been in full force since day one, I pray the guilt of walking away does not haunt me.  What I came here to let you all know is that after much prayer, many tears, anxiety, and hours of late night talks Scott and I have decided to withdraw from the program.  Our adoption journey is over.  Our options after our phone conference with our agency were minimal and left us between a rock and a hard place.  More than likely within the next 6 months our agency will close their Ethiopia program all together.  Scott and I felt better about walking away on our terms than waiting for them to force us out.  There is no right or wrong here but there is some peace about being in control of what we can be in control of .  As much as we hurt and feel temporarily "lost" we have also grown and been blessed by this experience.  We have been shown a deep, God-driven kind of generosity, care, and love from many people that has blown us away.  Our faith has been strengthened.  We have learned what it means to truly trust.  This journey has had it's consequences, but it has also had it's victories.  Growing up my mom used to tell me that when God tests you he is helping you build character for heaven.  I remember several times in my life telling her I had enough character.  I guess the truth is God uses all things for his good and I will continue to grow "character" for him as long as he asks. 

Now for the BEGINNINGS part of this blog post!  I'm sure most of you by now are familiar with twin girls that came into my life just shy of 2 years ago.  Below is a picture of them the day we met. 

Cherlie & Cherline- February 2013

They were so tiny, like maybe 3-4 lbs.  They were a month old and mom brought them to the mission concerned that they weren't gaining weight.  Our relationship has grown since that day.  I have been back twice since then and each time they come to visit several times while I am there.  This past summer I found out that their landlord had kicked them out of their home after the father had fallen ill (I'm guessing they were unable to pay the rent, I'm not always comfortable knowing what to ask and if it's really my business to know all the details).  They have been living with the father's family whenever they are allowed to.  I'm told that the family's relationship is not the best so there are times when they have been homeless, literally.  It has been on my heart to give them a place to call home.  I have pondered and prayed over if this was a good decision, right/wrong.  I have thought about them sleeping in the mud knowing it's been raining for 3 days straight.  I have questioned if this will help them or if it will create even more of a dependence for her on me.  My prayer has been for God to make this VERY clear to me. My mind has been overwhelmed with adoption emotions and my trust in missions and charity is a little fragile.  Pam has been in Haiti communicating with the mom and letting me know updates as they come in.  Yesterday we received word that the father's family has given them land to build a house on (blessing #1 because land is not always easy to come by in Haiti) and that they have already started gathering rocks from the ravine for the foundation (blessing #2, considering they had no idea when they begin doing this that we were praying about building them a home!).  I think God has made it pretty clear this is where he wants our attention to be for now.  We are planning a trip to visit in March (assuming we can work all the details out) and we are beyond thrilled to go down and share in this process with this family.  I am not sure if we will let Pam give her the good news or if we will wait to tell her in person that they will have a permanent place to call home ourselves but we feel confident this is the right thing to do.

Esthela, Cherlie, Cherline & myself- August 2013

 

Esthela, Cherlie, Cherline & myself- August 2014



Below is a picture similar to what we expect to provide for them.  The house in this picture needs some finishing work (cementing the bricks, I'm guessing similar to a stucco kind of process) but gives you an idea of where we are headed. 

 

So if you are still reading, sorry this is long, lots to cover, we ask that you pray for us as we leap forward into new ventures!  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for taking this journey with us, we are beyond thankful.  God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.

 

Prayer Requests:

1.  For peace in walking away from Ethiopia, adoption, and All God's Children International. 

2.  For safety if God allows us to return to Haiti in March.

3.  For the finances to complete a home for Esthela, Cherlie, Cherline, and their father.

4.  For my sister and her husband as they anticipate the birth and loss of their baby girl in the coming weeks.